Living With Uncertainty

We all live with uncertainty. We wake up each morning not knowing for sure what the day will bring; and yet we act as though it will go as planned. Most often, it does.

Every one of us hungers for certainty. It allays the fear of the unknown. We can quiet our thoughts when we know what lies ahead. That knowledge doesn’t have to be true for it to be an effective balm. How often have we been hit with the truth that belies the certainty we held for so long? And it sends us reeling until we can find our way once again.

That is what it’s like to live with cancer: no guarantees, not knowing what the future brings. I know what I hope for, and I vacillate between the highs of hope and depths of fear.

Will God answer my prayers and the prayers of so many dear friends? Yes. But will it be the answer we want to hear? We’ll see. I’ve been thinking about God’s will for me. If His plans for me include an early death, don’t expect me to like it. I have things left to do, not least of which is to watch my children grow into their adult lives and be by my husband’s side well into old age.

While living with uncertainty is sometimes frightening, most often it is enlightening. I have come to accept ambiguity as a path to knowledge. Not knowing keeps me open to new information and growth. This is especially true in my faith journey. The mystery of God unfolds continuously and my faith continues to change and mature.

In between hope and fear is the middle ground of acceptance. It brings peace because it limits expectations, the source of so much disappointment and pain.

I await that sense of acceptance about my future. I’m probably on some well-defined stage of emotional progress as I deal with my diagnosis. It is important to be allowed whatever feelings are part of my journey, even if they cause discomfort. I’m okay with all these feelings as I process them. I’m okay with being angry, sad, hopeful, enormously grateful, and uncertain—often all at once.

It’s all part of life, and I cherish every minute of it.

Cross-posted to CaringBridge.org.

Hope And Expectations

I’ve learned to distinguish between hope and expectations. While both feelings anticipate an outcome, hope is the one to which I must cling because it embodies faith in a desirable conclusion. Hope is amorphous and resilient, adapting to moments, emotions and setbacks with renewing energy; it is the essence of God’s grace made present in everyday events. Expectations have definitive boundaries, and if they are not met, they shatter. Expectations at best offer satisfaction but more often can lead to sorrow, while hope remains uplifting even in the hardest of times. Keep those good wishes, prayers and laughter coming! They bring hope.

Cross-posted on CaringBridge.org

Creation Museum

Abe was working in the Cincinnati area this week and invited me to join him overnight when I was free. We had a lovely evening on Thursday, and Friday morning he headed back to work and I headed home.

On the way there I had noticed the brown highway sign pointing to the Creation Museum. I’ve seen it in the news and kind of rolled my eyes and sighed. After I passed the exit on the way to Cincy, it struck me that I might have the time to see it. Hmm.

I joked to Abe that I could stop by on my way home. But as I was driving it didn’t seem like such a joke. I did have some time and it would be fascinating to see, if it wasn’t too far away. When Exit 11 rolled up, I rolled off the highway. The museum was about a quarter mile away, ostensibly in Petersburg, KY but not close to anything but the highway.

In the midst of scrub and woods, I drove down a rural road and there it was.



The building is new and modern, and the grounds are well kept. There are gardens, a petting zoo, and several cafes on site. There was an officer in the parking lot directing traffic, and the lot was about half full at 10:30a, only thirty minutes after it opened.

The building façade is nice enough, if dull. The interior is really very good: animatronics and displays almost worthy of Disney. We started in a canyon setting and walked through an explanation of science vs. Genesis. (See those lights above? Never at Disney!)



According to founder (and former science teacher from Australia) Ken Ham, whose books are featured in the exit gift shop, one’s interpretation of today’s evidence originates in one of two views: human reason or God’s word. In the view of biblical creationists, the two cannot meet. Click on the picture to read the side-by-side comparison of the two viewpoints concerning fossils and the universe.




Biblical Creationist Theology

From the Biblical Creationist point of view, the universe is 6,000 years old. It was created in six 24-hour days. All animals that we know to have existed lived among human beings before the Flood—including dinosaurs. All animals were herbivores until sin came into the world, introduced by Adam and Eve. Until then, no animals were poisonous. Men married their sisters, but that was not prohibited because DNA was not corrupted by a bad gene pool.



The flood occurred about 4350 years ago. It was the flood that changed everything we see today: animals' bones were covered in mud; the continents shifted in geological seconds to the arrangement we see today; deep river canyons were carved in days or even hours; and all current animal life originated from the pairs off the ark. Their offspring rode rafts of dead trees from the flood to propagate on all the continents.



We enter a room in which life-size animated figures are building the ark. There are some pretty impressive small models on display too. This is the first stage, when the ark was being built.



From the time Noah landed and populated the earth, mankind has continued to stray from scripture. The museum leads us to the current times.

The condition of the world today, which apparently is nothing but terrible in their viewpoint, is due to scripture being abandoned by culture. At this point we enter a darkened black-and-red room intended to be frightening: a door has a dozen locks; graffiti is sprayed on a wall; we see videos of teenagers playing violent videos and watching porn; a church is being smashed by a giant weight as people sing inside. And on one wall is more evidence of a fallen world:



I can’t help but notice that "gay marriage" is front and center.

We move from this display to a repeat of the message we saw upon entering: science vs. scripture, using different and engaging displays of biblical characters and scientific evidence. (The duplication allows crowds to enter through either entry, crossing paths at the center area of "today’s world." It also makes its point in a visually distinct way, driving the message home twice. Well done from an educational standpoint.)

The People

Who was there to see this with me? Many were apparently home schoolers, as evidenced by clothing and family units. (Full disclosure: I home-schooled my daughter through fourth grade due to our township’s low educational standards. BTW: I was right. But it was not about religion at all in my case.) All that I saw in attendance were white middle class. There were two buses in the lot from a church in Tennessee, and a man cell-shouting next to me told his phone that it was a six-hour drive from Alabama. One young teen girl, punked out in makeup and outfit, sat sullenly on a bench in one of the rooms.

The man who started all this, Ken Ham, is in litigation in Australia for alleged financial misconduct with his former ministry there. He has been banned from the Cincinnati Homeschool Convention for disparaging public remarks about a fellow speaker, although he is a popular keynote speaker at other home school gatherings. His ministry, Answers In Genesis, is in the final stages of getting huge financing for a theme park called Ark Encounter, to be built a few miles south of the Creation Museum in Kentucky.

I’ve read plenty about this museum, none of it kind. I won’t pretend to agree with any of its premise, but I also won’t be a shrill critic as I’ve seen in so many places. I felt quite the outsider while I walked through the museum. It was filled with absolutes. I understand that the people who go here are looking for answers, and Ham gives them that. In fact, all of his books in the gift shop are under the series name Answers.

There’s that desire for certainty again. Those who feel alienated from a world they can’t grasp or control for whatever reason will be drawn to someone who gives them answers. Ham was there to give a lecture on “Genesis in Today’s World.” I didn’t stay to hear it. But it appears that he draws people to HIM and not so much to God. It’s all about what he sees in the Bible, which is not to say it’s about God's grace. When the Bible becomes a weapon, it is no longer about grace. This is a ministry based on fear.

When I look for a person who will help illuminate God, I find that it is someone who steps aside to make God visible in their words and deeds. They disappear as they teach by example. I see the inner light. They make me like who I am when I am with them. They give me peace about my relationship with God—not doubt or fear, even in the midst of questions and ambiguity. I found no peace at the Creation Museum, and I pray for those who are still looking.

Pictures so marked are from Ars Technica.

Unconventional Meeting

I almost forgot to tell you about my flight from New Mexico to Florida. I have no idea how long it took or what landmarks we crossed, because I was engrossed in conversation with my fellow seat-mate from before we took off.

It all started with a question about the pin I was wearing on my sweater. The organization Believe Out Loud has a logo that is very intriguing, and I've started wearing it in the hopes people will ask me about it. My strategy has proven to work.

It was a find-your-own-seat airline, and I saw a window seat in row 6. I asked the man sitting in the aisle seat if I could pass him to sit down. He stood and apparently saw my pin as I took my seat. Less than five minutes passed before he asked, "I couldn't help but notice your pin. Can you tell me about it?" I told him that Believe Out Loud is an ecumenical group that encourages supportive Christians to speak up as allies in order to drown out the ugly invective being spewed by the religious right. And we were off to the races.

I learned that David is a training executive for a national bank firm and a partnered Jewish man who lives in San Diego and Palm Springs. We talked until we parted ways at the airport—about the harm done by people in the name of religion, about our relationships and those we've lost, and about aging parents. I've never had such a compelling exchange with a stranger on a plane before. He encouraged me and we traded business cards. He offered to fly to Indy to address my church in whatever way might be helpful in our growth toward affirmation.

Our meeting was just the thing I needed after my disappointment in our convention's lack of LGBT support. It is uncanny the doors that open for me as I move along in my journey of advocacy. I can't wait to see what happens next.

The Glacier Advances

No, this isn't about global warming. It's about church warming, as the glacial pace of progress moves forward.

A couple of nights ago I began my three-month training to be a small group leader in our church. With a congregation of several thousand, many people don't have a personal connection to the church. Small groups provide that connection: to people, to mission, to God.

What is meaningful about my own participation is that I made it clear the mission focus of my group will be LGBT advocacy. I wasn't sure if I could lead a group, as a member of staff. But everyone involved in this ministry is all for it.

The new leaders met for the first time this week. We gathered in a circle to tell why we were there. I told them that our church was known for its general welcome to the community; everyone nodded. I said I felt called to provide a specific welcome to people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender; I want us to show grace and hospitality to a group that doesn't often get it.

Most in the group smiled. The faces of two men a little older than I froze and lost their smiles. But only two. This is a slow process, but it is progress. When I speak up, I always get someone supporting me in comments later.

Another wonderful event occurred a couple of weeks ago, when our senior pastor invited a former staff member and his husband to speak to our pastoral and program staff (at my request). The two men told their story and the floor was opened to questions. I was silent, since this wasn't my show, but I wanted to be sure one question was asked. I am happy to say another pastor asked it instead: how do we move this church from being just "welcoming" to being a truly safe place for LGBT persons?

The group listened as the men named the small sorts of acts that would show the congregation that we are a loving and affirming church, such as baptizing the child of a gay couple; seeking LGBT individuals in our mission work; studying books by gay authors and on subjects that address the struggles of LGBT persons, etc. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? But unless you've really thought about it, it may not occur to you.

The couple was well received, and I and four program staffers stayed behind to talk some more. This group is really supportive, and they give me the strength I need to continue. It seems I may have the rudder of this huge ship on this particular issue. May God guide my hand.

Today on Bilerico: Megachurch Pastor Comes Out

Meet Jim Swilley, a man I want the world to know. When he learned of the recent swath of youth suicides, Jim decided it was time to come out to his congregation and the world.

While it's only the beginning of what will be a difficult but ultimately rewarding time, please read his story that I just posted on Bilerico.

Today On Bilerico: Fox News Face-off: "Cupcakegate" Debate

I get to find out tonight along with you whether I held up in my fight for LGBT equality. If you live in Indiana, the debate will air tonight on Fox affiliate Channel 59 at 10:00p, on the segment called "Face-off."

I was asked to write an opinion piece to be posted on their website (with the video? I don't know). You can read the essay on Bilerico.

An Open Letter To My Fellow Straight Christians About Marriage Equality

I wrote an article about Proposition 8 and why I support its repeal. There are a lot of people who are wondering if they can do the same and be true to their faith. Please forward a link if you know someone like that. You can find it here.

What's Your Sign?

Here's mine.


This past Monday the National Organization for Marriage held a rally on the steps of the Indiana Statehouse. I joined several hundred counter-protesters in a successful bid to seriously outnumber rally attendees. Well, someone took my picture and posted it on the NOM Tour Tracker website. From there, that picture has gone viral. Wow. Even Joe.My.God picked it up and posted it. I'm overwhelmed at the response.

I've written my newbie report of the event for Bilerico. I'll update when it's posted.

Update: The Bilerico post is up.

Photo courtesy of Phyllis Lozano, Courage Campaign

Love And Light

I spent this past weekend in Fort Wayne with Abe. He had an extended work week and invited me to join him for a couple of nights. After getting everything ready for my absence on Sunday, I left Friday afternoon to join him for dinner. It was a glorious two-hour drive, temps in the high seventies with the roof down in late afternoon.

We ate at Casa’s, his favorite restaurant outside of Indy. This time we managed to meet the owner, who sat down with us and told us that they’re planning to expand from their small chain of restaurants in Fort Wayne to a couple more in Indy. I think they’ll make it, too, in spite of the economy. Their places are packed every night of the week.


The next morning we went to Abe’s favorite breakfast place, the Liberty Diner. It is owned and managed by a Greek couple from New York. They have built the quintessential East Coast diner and plunked it in Fort Wayne. The interior décor has a human-sized Statue of Liberty by the front door. American flags drape various parts of the diner, and large black-and-white photos of Manhattan hang high over one row of booths. It is next to Bambi’s Exotic Lounge and across the street from a truck stop. And it is packed with locals who want a great breakfast any time of day or really good Greek food. The owners—better dressed than most of the patrons—drop by your table to make sure everything is good.

While I highly recommend both restaurants, the top place to go remains DeBrand Chocolatier. They make some of the finest chocolates I’ve ever eaten, and they ship! I asked about summer shipments, and I was told their freight company uses special ice packaging to insure fresh chocolates wherever they ship. If you have a chocolate connoisseur you wish to impress, this is the stuff to send. Warning: Not Safe For Budgets.

Abe and I had a lovely time. It was Date Night times three! He was so sweet and planned all of our ventures. I just went along for a wonderful time. Let’s say we both had a wonderful time.

I had to slip out early Sunday morning to head for Indy again, but not to my own church. I made arrangements with a friend to meet her at St. Andrew Presbyterian Church for worship and a meeting afterward. “Jane” is from Columbus and has been instrumental in helping me in my efforts to have my church become open and affirming. She has pointed me to resources, events and authors more than any other person I know. Jane was bringing her church group to St. Andrew, so I joined them.

St. Andrew* is the first and only Presbyterian church in Indiana to join the More Light Presbyterian network of churches. The mission statement of MLP says “Following the risen Christ, and seeking to make the Church a true community of hospitality, the mission of More Light Presbyterians is to work for the full participation of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people of faith in the life, ministry and witness of the Presbyterian Church (USA).” It is a strong statement to make in this denomination, and some churches who are truly open and affirming still have difficulty adding this label to their names.

Jane and her group of ten or so fellow supporters and I met with the two pastors of St. Andrew after worship. We asked about the process that led them to this important—and to some, risky—step of affirmation.

Although for each church it is different, this small congregation had already been “More Light” in practice for some time. The session—that is, the ruling group of elders—held a three-hour meeting to discuss and vote on the idea. Three hours, and it was done! Of course, it was years in the making.

Something struck me when I was driving home that afternoon: for the straight members of that congregation, declaring the church More Light changed nothing. All would go on as before. For its gay members and those seeking a church and gay children growing up in this church, everything changed. They are affirmed not only in general but in writing and in action. This is powerful stuff and it costs the straight members of the church nothing but understanding. I will be taking this idea to my church group. We are years away from this step, which frankly I considered an impossibility in my congregation. I don’t see it that way anymore.

I hope to partner our church with St. Andrew in LGBT outreach and advocacy. I have some thinking, talking and reading to do about this. We continue to move toward the Light.

*I have yet to find out how a Presbyterian church comes to call itself Saint Anything. Sounds Catholic, doesn't it?

Today On Bilerico: Carol Boltz: Straight To The Point

Some time ago, I wrote an article about two women who were married to men who came out at the top of their careers. Jemma Thomas and Carol Boltz were women of grace, defending their husbands in the face of strong criticism. Through that story, I reconnected with Carol's blog. She lives an hour away, so I sent her an email asking if she would be willing to meet with me and talk.

This article is the result of that meeting.

Signs Of Life

It’s been quite the week upon my return from Florida. (Sorry to be silent for so long, but all is well.)

Last Monday the pastoral and program staff of my church met for the annual planning meeting, outlining the themes and events of 2010-11. In addition to the calendar, we talked about ourselves to get to know each other. In small groups of five, we were to name three things that are on our “bucket list.” I named the usual monetary goals, house and car and something else equally forgettable, but my third item depended on more than just me: I said I wanted to see our church’s welcome to the gay community in writing on our publications. Apparently our senior pastor overheard my remark.

Later, in the large group (of about 35), we were asked to finish this sentence: “I want our church to…” Two people spoke up pretty quickly. During a pause the senior pastor turned to me.

“Birdie, you have one.”

I looked at him. Did he mean what I thought he meant?

“I heard you say it earlier.”

So he did know what he was asking.

“I want our church to put in writing its welcome to the gay community.”

He wrote it on the list that would be made into meeting notes. I believe he wants it as much as I do and uses moments like this to remind the rest of the staff.

But wait! There’s more.

That evening was the monthly meeting of support for parents of LGBT children, which is being publicized now, several months after its inception. What’s more, the group dynamics have changed, and it is now for friends and family as well. That means I can be a member now instead of a guest. We have two more members as a result of the calendar listing, and more will come with the name change. The two new members are eager to join with me in an advocacy role and we may be forming a new group as a result. That can’t happen until fall, but meanwhile we might be able to enlarge our small group. I have been given staff permission to lead such a group (which, since I’m a member of staff, was in question). I’m very excited at the prospects.

But wait! There’s more.

A few days ago, a member of our church came to my office and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. She said the senior pastor told her to come see me.

Her nephew, age 19, just came out to his family, who is very conservative and upset. She is concerned for the boy and for his family and asked me what I recommended. We talked for a while as I determined where on the scale of understanding she lay. She was eager to learn more, and she is a beginner in her search. So I gave her three books:

• For the stories so important to changing the heart:

Crisis: 40 Stories Revealing the Personal, Social, and Religious Pain and Trauma of Growing Up Gay in America, edited by Mitchell Gold

• For the beginner concerning sexuality:

Is It a Choice? Answers to the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gay and Lesbian People, by Eric Marcus

• And for questions about the Bible:

Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality: Explode the Myths, Heal the Church, by Jack Rogers (a Presbyterian theologian)

I am excited by this because 1.) A wonderful and loving person wants to help her family come to grips with this, and her nephew will benefit; 2.) I’m seen as a resource by senior staff, something that I have hoped for; and 3.) I’m seeing progress! It has seemed soooooo sloooooow that I was beginning to wonder if we’d come to a standstill. (I know it will take years to do this right.)

My energy has been focused outward as a result of the glacial pace at my church, because I can’t stop just because some aren’t ready. I am so heartened by the events of this week, I can’t express it properly. I am energized once again.

Rethinking Random Acts Of Kindness

The Children and Family Ministry Team at my church—of which I'm a member—is reading Craig Dykstra's Growing in the Life of Faith. Dykstra, a highly respected theologian and author of numerous books on Christian thought and practice, is a member of our church. This particular book is one I had left over from one of my own courses, but it was an auxiliary text that we never used. I'm glad I'm reading it now.

We've only begun the first few chapters, and I had the joy of teaching a couple last night. (One of the finest ways to learn is to teach.) While I'm coming away with a deeper understanding of a number of familiar ideas, one concept that Dykstra examined was a new way of thinking for me.

He proposes that the current popularity of "random acts of kindness" is not the direction we should be going in terms of expressing grace. Random acts are somewhat passive as we wait for the opportunity to present itself before we act. While it is a redeeming moment, only two (or few) people gain from the exchange.

Dykstra urges us to be more intentional in our grace, to make it a practice and one that is communal. That means being able to establish guidelines and boundaries and to communicate it to others, inviting their participation. By doing this, we share it among its practitioners and recipients: grace abounds. This easily applies to acts of service, but think how it would apply also to reading, prayer, daily routine, and more. I see brief bursts of such communal grace here on the Interwebs, and I see its power for good.

I find this very appealing. Those who receive my emails see Gandhi's quote (also posted under my banner); it is an urge to act upon the philosophy we have which makes this a better world. (Note that it doesn't say what that might be. A whole 'nother post.)

I find this new way of looking at "good deeds" very inviting. To be intentional sets it the forefront of our consciousness. While we continue to look for those moments where grace can make itself known, let us make it a communal practice in whatever way we can.

I will need some time to think about how I would turn my call to teach inclusiveness into a practice. It demands a structure that currently is not firm. I have been passive as I wait for opportunities to speak and teach. And I am learning so much. Every day brings a new awareness of just how much I do not know.

This happy coincidence of learning has energized me. May the grace which feeds me be known by all who wish it. That is my call.

Heaven's Gate

Click to embiggen.

Small World

The last article I [re]wrote for Bilerico included a reference to my friend Rance, who died this past spring. He was a small but pivotal force in my life when we met three and a half years ago. Turns out I wasn’t the only one.

It comes as no surprise at all to me that Rance had a similar impact on someone else. I’m willing to bet it runs in the hundreds.

My little post “Missionary” was forwarded by a reader to a man who was a colleague of his. That man’s name is Ken. Now out of the Mormon church and out in life, Ken asked to contact me. He knew someone named Rance long ago. Could it be the same man?

Of course it was. Ken gave me permission to print his first response to me.

In the early 1980s, I was living in Salt Lake City, and business took me to Vernal, Utah, where I stayed in a motel owned by the Searle family. I had dinner at their restaurant, and Rance played guitar and sang for his guests. To me, he was a close replica of John Denver.

Also, since I wrote to my friend James, I "googled" Rance Searle and found his obituary from April - something that deeply saddened me, in spite of the fact that I have not talked to him or had any contact at all for more than 30 years.

But when I was going to Vernal on business fairly regularly, I would stay at his hotel and meet with him. We got to know each other fairly well. I knew he was a few years older than I, but never thought he'd have died at such a young age.

The most important thing that happened when I knew Rance was how he relayed his own doubts about the LDS faith. At that time, although I had admitted I was gay, I still fervently believed in Mormonism. I can recall him telling me about a list of 10 questions he and a friend had compiled, which he (or they) had taken to a General Authority, and were not able to get clear answers for.

When Rance told me that there were multiple versions of Joseph Smith's first vision (which cast doubt on his credibility), I remember the feeling I had: "Wow! Maybe I've been feeling guilty all these years - for nothing." A weight was lifted at that moment, and I'll be forever grateful to Rance for helping me see the truth.

Other issues he had were with the Book of Mormon. I can recall his strong emotion as he said, "How can we believe in the Book of Mormon when there is not ONE SHRED of evidence supporting it?"

There was, of course, much much more we talked about during those visits.

I'm sorry to know that Rance passed on…

That day in Vernal was the beginning of a profound change in my life, and I have Rance to thank for lighting the fire. I'm pleased but not surprised to know that he touched your life as well, as I'm sure he did many many others…

This exchange has continued and led to another introduction which has Rance at its center. I wonder what Rance would say if he knew of the newly-connected network of friends he left behind. I am eager to see where it leads.

It grieves me that Ken had to leave his church to find peace. Too many are taking that path away from God, the failure of men keeping them separated from what should be a loving community of faith. Shame on us for letting it happen.

I am having to pay my own way this year to the Covenant Network of Presbyterians annual convention in November. Our church budget is being cut quite close. I’m hoping to have someone accompany me, but no one has been able to join me yet. Even so, I am excited to be going. Who knows what I’ll learn or who I’ll meet that will send me on the next step of this important journey toward an inclusive faith community. It remains a privilege to serve.

Today on Bilerico: Missionary

On weekends Bilerico contributors are asked to dig into their archives to pull out "timeless" pieces that are not dependent on today's news. Today I posted a lightly-edited version of "Missionary" that will be familiar to some of you. Those who haven't read it can find it here.

The Incense Of A New Church

Incense of a New Church by Charles Demuth 1921

A censer swings through the aisles of a new church, the smoke curling through the sun’s rays streaming from stained glass windows; and its scent is pleasing to God.

This new church is an institution that people seek because it gives them community peopled by those who welcome the weary, the edgy, the common, the fearful, the different, the strong, the powerful, the broken. All are welcome here.

This church is an institution that people do not hate or fear. It is the natural outcome of community, growing into a stable yet malleable structure that gives a framework for interaction in the journey and celebration of faith. Its doctrine is a magnet, not a weapon, drawing its members through the power of God’s unconditional love. It can be trusted with power because it does not demand it.

This new church celebrates diversity as a sign of success. It embraces questions as the means to spiritual growth. It is open to the change that is inevitable over time as new members bring new understanding to its tradition, its culture, its doctrine.

The new church is here. It can be found in individual communities of faith that are independent churches or that have set themselves apart within the mainline denominations.

If you seek a welcoming community of faith, don’t give up until you find one. Find one whose leaders make you like who you are when you are with them. Find one you wish to share with others from the sense of joy you gain as a participant. Find one that exemplifies servant leadership.

If you are in a church that needs to grow, become a part of its growth by asking questions that others may be afraid to bring up. Become inconvenient. Be persistent yet patient. When you speak up, you will find many who agree. One voice will become many.

Change is inevitable. The church has a rhythm of dying and new life. It will live anew if the death is its traditions. If it is not, the death will be the institution itself. Those are the only choices. From the funeral pyre, the new church will rise.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

Expectations And Gratitude 1.1

Because of my generally positive outlook on life, I’ve been accused more than once of being a Pollyanna, and not kindly so. This implies that I am naïve and unaware of the potential for evil that exists in human nature and the world. Those people who are under that misconception could not be more wrong.

I have been a victim of and/or a witness to cruelty, abuse, pain and monstrous evil. I have no illusions whatsoever about the human capacity for evil; ancient and modern history show that human nature has not changed in all the millennia of its existence, only its tools have.

But I cannot let this be the only view I have of humanity because I have also been the recipient and observer of amazing kindness, small to sacrificial. In my encounters with people, I do not overlook their weaknesses and failings; I reach beyond that to the good that dwells inside. Some may believe their own kindness is a façade to the “real” person that lies within, but I believe that knowledge of what goodness looks like usually means the capacity for real goodness exists within. I always look for good; sometimes I find God.

We can be hurt by our expectations, so we must take care not to expect too much or inappropriately. In any human relationship, it is expectations that get us into so much trouble. If we do not at least partially understand a person’s history, capabilities, desires and limitations, we are doomed to disappointment. Even with appropriate hopes, we must be ready to forgive the inevitable lapses of which we are all guilty.

Since every single one of us will fail at some time or another, how do we avoid cynicism and pessimism? By actively cultivating a philosophy of gratitude. If all we see is what we do not have, we are failing ourselves; and we must forgive ourselves our failings every bit as we must forgive others theirs. Understand that I am not promoting low standards by encouraging gratitude. But by knowing what terrible conditions exist at any moment in our world, we can embrace what little or abundant grace has come our way.

By all means we must have full vision of our world: its goodness and evil, its abundance and famine, its successes and failures. We can choose bitterness or we can cultivate a sense of joy. Choose gratitude.

Missionary

I was surfing working on my computer the other evening when the doorbell rang. The dog went nuts, of course, so I had to put down my laptop and find out who was here. It was three Mormon missionary boys, fresh-faced and eager to talk. Interestingly, I had been revisiting Rance's writings about his former church. It put me in the proper frame of mind for this visit.

The boys started out with their memorized questions, but I put a stop to that with a couple of kind rebuffs. At first I wanted to just shut the door, but then it struck me that I had a teaching moment here. I told them that instead I wanted to talk about the grave harm the church—theirs and mine—was perpetrating. I told them about how our denominations were literally killing young people, especially young gay men, with the doctrine of rejection they are teaching. 

They wanted to challenge me—politely—with "what the Bible says" about homosexuality. My reply was this: what the Bible says and what the Bible reads are two different things. I discussed the difference between the original languages and our imperfect translations due to the restrictions inherent in the structure and etymology of English; the context of the original writings that is so crucial to understanding; and the overall message of the Bible.

 In scholarly studies we see that there are compelling arguments to both sides of the issue, and there are problems with both sides. So it comes down to this: what is the overall message of the Bible? What do you understand is the nature of God? I understand God's message to be one of loving grace, not judgment and condemnation. So I choose to accept all, just as I believe God does. If I am wrong, God knows what is in my heart. (If I choose condemnation, God knows what is in my heart then as well.) Choose grace.

We said more, but that is the gist of it. I thank God for Rance, for giving me the background and confidence for this unexpected meeting. You never know who needs to hear what you have to say, so you just keep saying it. Maybe one of those boys needed to hear exactly what God put in my mouth that evening.

"I Don't Know"

Thoughts On Certainty And Control

The anniversary of my father’s death has come and gone once again. It has been 37 years since he committed suicide; he was fifty-five and I was eighteen.

Dad was an alcoholic and the gentlest man I’ve ever known. We’ve all tried to piece together the answer to the puzzle of his suicide, but no one knows why he did it. One of my sisters and I believe that it might have started on the beaches of Normandy. (Watch the opening sequence to “Saving Private Ryan” to see what he experienced.) But early on—and maybe still—each of us who loved him took on the burden of cause. If only...

But that kind of control isn’t possible. Control of anything but your own actions is an illusion. While I might have influence on other people, it happens only with their consent. What they ultimately choose to do is entirely out of my power.

Maybe Dad lost his battle with control. He could no longer bear whatever pain that alcohol could not erase. And his final act of control was suicide. It gave him the peace that escaped him for much of his adult life.

There is a kind of surrender that is not defeat but serenity. It is letting go of control, allowing events to unfold as they will and adapting to them. This means giving up the goal of certainty, described variously as absolute truth, conviction, knowledge, and reality.

We all want certainty. It is not a weakness so much as a hunger. “Knowing” reduces fear of the unknown, one of the greatest fears we have. But knowledge is a journey, not a destination. For the moment we settle on a conclusion or set of beliefs—“The Answer”—we stop moving, thinking, examining, assessing. Therein lies the problem with certainty: it provides us with a sense of security which leads to stagnation.

I think those who are most at peace don’t need certainty and control as much as others. They are open to change, new information, diversity, and conflicting points of view. (Don’t count me in this group yet. Too far to go.)

It’s taken me many years to accept that I will never know what haunted my father so much that he had to end his life. I cannot know because I have chosen life. I can finally say “I don’t know” and let it be. I can apply that kind of acceptance to the mystery of God and yet still seek knowledge, insight, and wisdom. It is quite freeing to understand that “I don’t know” is an answer in itself.