August 28, 2011

Uncomfortably Numb

I've been seeing some sort of medical professional every weekday for ten days now. At least I got the weekends off.

Friday I had a medi-port put in my chest just under my skin. It provides easy access for infusion of chemo drugs, which starts tomorrow. I will have my son take me to work, and a colleague who is just finishing her regimen will be my "chemo buddy" for my first time. Since Ben has to work, my neighbor Dee is going to babysit me tomorrow evening. (Abe returns from his national meeting on Thursday.)

I realized something yesterday: I haven't been listening to music for the past ten days. I always do in my car and often in my office as well. Each time I think of starting up the iPod, my thought has been "No, not now." It took me a while to figure out why, since music is so important to me.

Music reaches me where nothing else can, even the lame pop stuff. The powerful pieces are especially emotive for me, and that's what is stopping me. Music doesn't give me a feeling, it reflects it. I play what I feel. And I feel numb. There is no music without feeling, and so I cannot play it. It feels wrong. I did try once, but it became background noise and I turned it off.

Perhaps there is a danger in letting myself feel too much right now. I do okay at work and I entertain myself at home. But in the car, when there's nothing to distract me, I cry. It's okay, crying is good for me. But I must be holding back for fear of what may be there.

I have friends who are clamoring to help and have no way to do it from afar. But I thought of a way that anyone with just a little time can be a genuine help to me: make me laugh. No more than once a day—because I'm expecting a lot—write me a funny story about you, find me a link, send me a picture. I love to laugh, and I know it's good for me. Help me find my way back to the music.

Love you guys.


Ur-spo said...

you must must must listen to your music.
Whatever helps to reduce stress and makes you feel good is essential therapy.

Rox said...

You gotta get some Michael Franti in your ears, girl! That dude can perk up ANYONE!

Yesterday, I was having a pity party and I was listening to kd lang, Joni Mitchell and Jann Arden. Then I switched it up to some John Mayer, some Stevie Ray Vaughn and some Fleetwood Mac. Pulled myself right out of my funk!

Favorite pick me up song ever though? She Sells Sanctuary by the Cult. Gets me all crazy inside and I just want to jump around.


A laugh eh? Maybe I should do a blog post about all my funny blog posts. Cuz you know, I'm funny.

Meli said...

holding you in prayer.

Blobby said...

The only time I ever cried over my cancer was in the car, but I never stopped the music.

Oddly enough, there is nothing I remember from that time that ties the music and my treatments together. No string holding those two things together - so listen to music, if not for feeling, than for distraction.

MartininBroda said...

I admit I was hesitant to look at this place (no not a matter of forgetting, just the opposite) but maybe this is funny

bigislandjeepguy said...

i am *right* with you on the music thing; i cannot imagine NOT listening.

i remember how you would share your top fives (or however many) list on your blog in the past, so i will share mine with you...maybe some new (or familiar tunes) will help in some way:

1. groovin' in the midnight, maxi priest
2. me and julio down by the schoolyard, paul simon
3. night of your life, david guetta feat. jennifer hudson
4. valerie, glee cast version
5. wave, joao gilberto

love and alohas to you.