April 26, 2010

Emerging

My reaction to negative stress is to hide. That’s what I’ve been doing since before I returned home from Florida. The visit to help my parents took much more out of me than I ever expected.

I was honestly glad to be able to be there, to help in a way that was needed. Trouble is, my parents aren’t quite ready for that help; at least Mom isn’t. She’s 89 years old and she retired from work as a travel agent the week I was there. She begrudged the idea that anyone felt I was needed there, but she didn’t let on for the first week, acting as though everything was just great. Then she exploded with resentment and it took all the wind out of me.

I think I understand her panic at having to face less independence. It would shake my world too. I know that I won’t fully understand until it hits me right between the eyes.

Meanwhile, my stepfather very much wants my help and is comforted knowing I’m willing to participate in their planning for the future. This is a fine line I walk.

This is happening at a time when a lot is going on elsewhere. Thank heaven my home life is just great, with the normal ebb and flow of things to fix and joys to celebrate. I need to find how this new responsibility will fit in with all the other aspects of my life.

My modus operandi is to grab moments to myself for respite. It surprised me that the “moments” I needed lasted about two weeks. This is not depression—I know whereof I speak on that. It is a quiet time of processing, of limiting intake. But I know to give it time to sort itself out, and now I’m returning with the energy to face all of life once again. I have several topics about which to write. I hope to get to each of them soon.

The sun is out, and I emerge into the light once again.

8 comments:

A Lewis said...

Oh yeah, you've gotta love that HIDE thing. It's a normal reaction, I'm afraid. We can only do so much before we need to HIDE! Life is weird that way.

Blobby said...

Yeah - that being the responsible adult thing kind of sucks.

I'm hoping when the time comes for me, I'll be open to it, as I deal with some of this stuff w/my parents...and know there will be more to come.

Hang in there. Really, what are the options? :)

Bear Me Out said...

Giving up is so hard. Surrender never comes easy. May we have the grace to do it when out time comes.
Aging is the only way to live.
Cheers. Prayers ascend.

Ur-spo said...

welcome back to the light.

Rox said...

Sometimes, all we can do is curl up in the fetal position, sucking on our wineless thumbs and waiting until we get the gumption to get back in the game.

Welcome back!

bigislandjeepguy said...

my negative stress "therapy":
- tuning everyone out and listening to my ipod
- paddling my one-man canoe
- digging in the dirt

if i could combine all three at one time, i would have it made! :)

you strike me as someone who will come back, full force, after your period of hiding.

Bridgeout said...

The opening line if this post is _so_ me! I hear you sister! I have gone way too long, actually, without taking moments for myself for respite...
bless you sweet lady! Here's to the warmth the light brings!
HUGS

Patrick said...

I too have begun to note a distinction between the hiding-in-a-cave-to-lick-my-wounds of depression from the basic need to withdraw and process. And yes, the latter can sometimes take me weeks. I still sometimes fail to notice the signs, but recently have realized that if basic chores and interactions with others (especially strangers) seem to trigger annoyance out of proportion with the cause, then I probably need some serious downtime to process. Getting away is best, but getting time to be alone and quiet is key.

Glad you're taking care of yourself, as you start to examine new responsibilities.