July 24, 2008


I suspect that most of the readers of this blog already know what’s going on with Nicky Cooper’s blog. If not, read this and this first and come back here. I’ll wait.

My first response, before knowing the full story, was the same response I have now, assuming I will never know the whole story. It doesn’t matter. I know enough. After the gut reaction of a sense of betrayal, all I can feel now is sorrow. But not for me. This isn’t about me. I’m fine; I have not changed. And my basic good hope for people has not changed.

Now that I know that Nicky Cooper is a fiction, I am sad that I’ve lost a friend. Some are quite angry, having been far more emotionally invested in their friendship. It is as though Nicky has been ripped from our lives. She stole words and with them our hearts. The greatest treasure she stole was our trust: valuable, intangible, easily lost and so difficult to regain. Others may pay a price for that, having a wall of protection put between them and their Internet friends.

I have been mulling over the basis for all of this: the need for attention. Nicky’s need is extreme, given that this is the latest in a series of deceptions, and perhaps not the last. If Nicky has created a new persona, a new lie to cover her creation of Cooper, then the deception continues. I pray that she finds a counselor and medication to deal with this difficult obsession.

We all want attention. If you’re honest with yourself, it’s why you have a blog. I know that, while I write to please myself, I do want feedback from readers—whether it is supportive, disagreeing, whatever. I need to write, but I could do so without an audience if that was all it was. I want conversation and connection. I want to reach out to teach, learn, move and be moved.

I am grateful for being able to do so with the Internet; and the connections I’ve made I feel to be the start of genuine friendships. Yes, genuine. What I felt for Nicky was real, whether he was or not. That hasn’t changed. And think about what all of us gained: each other. Nicky’s bloglist was the single greatest source for my bookmarks. The people who came and stayed were all bound by the world created by Nicky. It’s what we have in common. And that hasn’t changed, either. We still have each other, and that friendship and commonality are still there.

What does the future hold for Nicky? I hope that she seeks healing. Those grandsons of hers need her present in their lives. If she can explore the reasons behind what she has done, she can use her experience to give them the love they need—and receive it in turn.

What about our future, bound as we are by Nicky? I would hope fervently that it includes forgiveness. There is great freedom in forgiveness, for us and for Nicky, regardless of whatever happens next. Nicky wants to be loved. I told her that I know absolutely that God loves her exactly as she is, unchanged. When each of us can accept that, it makes forgiveness so much easier. We can forgive ourselves for failing to be the person we hope; and we can forgive others for failing to be the person we want. It really is that simple, not to say that it is easy. But let me tell you about the difference it can bring to you: the deep peace you seek, that Nicky seeks, is attainable through forgiveness, mercy and love.


Roxrocks said...

Well said Birdie. This whole thing stunned me at first but now I'm just totally fascinated! I'm always curious about the "Why" of things, humans are such bizarre creatures.

I hope Nicky gets the help she needs and I hope that former readers don't build up walls as a defense. We all put ourselves out there, it what draws us to the whole phenomena of blogging. The connection with others.

Java said...

Yes. Exactly. And again I find myself saying "What Birdie said."
Thanks Birdie

tornwordo said...

I want to forgive, it would be so easy, so peaceful. But when people steal from me, it hurts, and intellectually I feel I must learn from the experience. Check another mark in the "you can't trust anyone" column. Look, I can love quirky, mixed up, miserable, out of their mind 52 year old women. It's much harder to love though that person who robs me of the truth.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

No! No! Please say it is not true! I feel as though Cooper and the boys were killed, so betrayed we are.
Not this again, I fell for the lie about the guy that blogged about dying of cancer and now Cooper too, how sad. I did often wonder how a young man was able to get two boys, it is hard for couples to get children let alone a gay single young man. Oh this has just ruined my day.

alto said...

Excellent post Java. I have mixed reactions here. Having been once on the recieving end of a similar accusation, though completely false, I have little patience with a mob like mentality, as drama is contagious. What could be dealt with easily, often gets completely blown out of proportion. I'm glad to see that in this case that is nott happening on a large scale.

Betrayal. That's a hard one. I don't deny anyone that, especially Kate who seems like nothing but a wonderful woman, writer and mother who has been unfairly appropriated from in some deeply personal ways.

I just keep coming back to what did people gain from that site? Was it written from the heart? Was the intention good? How did tyou normally leave, depleted or enriched? If you can answer in the positive for those things, is the identity of the author or the literal truth of their words the concern? It certainly is important, but I would say it takes a second place to the intangibles that we have all walked away from after reading that blog.

The philosophical truth of many things written in that blog can never be questioned. I think that is at least something to consider. Karmic intent was always on the side that uplifted, added to and enriched. That needs to count for something.

Greg said...

Beautiful and thought-provoking, Birdie. Once more you lead us with your compassion. I hope that "Nicky" appreciates that as much as she claimed to. I'm happy to stand by your side with the forgiveness, too.

Of course, your "Adagio for Strings" isn't yet helping me move past the sadness...

alto said...

That was smart, I called you Java. Apologies all around. Though it is a compliment both ways!

Birdie said...

Alto, being mistaken for Java is indeed a compliment!

I've been thinking about your comment regarding Nicky's intent; and yes, she gave us a beautiful world. Her blog was a magnet to so many. And for that we should be grateful. We gained so much by what she tried to convey—with her own words or others. Her fictitious world was like a great book to which we returned again and again for the next chapter. When the feelings of betrayal fall aside, we can be thankful for the experience she provided us and perhaps seek to create it ourselves in the real world.

Paul said...

Life is complicated. And what we can't understand about ourselves, we'll never understand about others.

I've had a very busy week, and I had no idea what was going on in Blogland. Somehow, links on three blogs I rarely have time to visit led me here this morning. I'm glad to have read your perspective.

Very insightful. Very calming. Thanks.

MartininBroda said...

I am unsure to write something, but your faith is so great and encouraging. Thank you.

Indigo said...

Indigo Incarnates

Hi! I'm a friend of Java's. I can really identify with Nicky's problem of body-disconnect. But she has dealt with the problem in an entirely inappropriate way.

On my blog, I don't hide the fact that the body I use is a 38-year-old human, but the life-force that animates it is a 26-year old changeling. C'est la vie.

I do hope that Nicky gets some help and can learn to accept herself. I hope that in time she can be forgiven too.

Patrick said...

Birdie and Alto, you two in particular articulate two of the gifts I gained from Nicky. The good people he connected me with, and the enrichment I inevitably felt after leaving his blog are things I still value, and do not feel have been taken from me. The plagiarism taints the latter, obviously, but I was still uplifted by so much Nicky gave me.

Greg said...

Dear Birdie. It has come to our attention that you have received an award thing. Please visit the Midnight Garden for details! : )

Dantallion said...

Lovely post. I've said it before - Despite the deception and manipulation, one nice thing I've seen come out of this is the compassion that some people manage to muster.

T.R. said...

Your summing up of this strange tale is so beautifully expressed - and certainly helps tame this whirlwind of emotions that come and go. I am so grateful to have found your blog through the incidents that passed this week; and with it your incredible writing. I look forward to reading backwards and forwards over the next few weeks to catch up. I'm starting to accept Nicky as a beloved fictional character born from the pages of a controversial novel - where one grows to love the protagonist with out much thought of the author.

Butch said...

Very nicely said, Birdie. It is so easy to be swept away with all the negative aspects of this which leave a person feeling spent and untrusting of others, but there is another side where one can learn from it, remembering that Nicky's blog did draw many a kind hearted person together into his world.

I can say I have met some very decent and interesting persons by visiting her site. Nicky got me interested in starting my own blog and I thank her for introducing me to all of you. I too, hope she seeks counseling and can resolve the transgender battle she is experiencing.