A New Era Of Equality

The Presbyterian Church (USA) has just ratified Ordination Amendment 10-A, which allows churches to ordain gay clergy, elders, and deacons if they so choose. The ruling becomes effective July 10. This is a great day in our denomination, joining the United Church of Christ, the Episcopal Church, and the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America in God's overwhelming grace. Justice has been done today.

Update: My commentary on this momentous occasion is posted on Bilerico.

Anniversary

This month is heavy with meaningful anniversaries.

May 1 was the third anniversary of my blog. I hardly realized it had arrived.

May 10 is the anniversary of my brother's death. It is also the date I sat down with our Adult Ed. pastor four years ago and asked him to begin the conversation in our church to welcome the LGBT community.

May 14 is the date three years ago when I sat with our senior pastor and said that it was time to be intentional in our welcome, and thus began my own journey in helping my church become open and affirming.

May 18 was my brother's birthday. He would have been 49 in 1996.

Today, May 10 will add another bead to its rosary. Today five presbyteries will vote whether to allow churches and presbyteries to ordain gay clergy if they so choose. Only one more vote is needed to reach the simple majority of 87, and one of the presbyteries voting has a history of always voting to approve the amendment. When the Twin Cities Presbytery of Minnesota votes today, the Presbyterian Church (USA) will pass Amendment 10-A.

There will be some fallout, and I plan to write about that. But the decision has been long coming—it is long overdue—and we will rejoice for this step of progress. It is not enough, but it is more. Let us take a moment to be thankful when it comes and gird ourselves for the continuing journey.

OneSecond

I have finished three months' training to be a leader of a small group at my church. These groups form around a common theme, anything from gardening to golf to grandparents. And now: LGBT advocacy. I have put out an invitation—and will continue to do so—to anyone who wants to offer a grace-filled welcome at our church. We are known to be generally welcoming, but we want to reach out specifically to this group kept on the fringes. Because we are a small group and not representative of the entire church, we have this freedom while the church continues to progress in its journey toward affirmation.

I want for us to have a public profile, so I came up with a name and created a logo. (Our church name is Second Pres.)

Our focus will be mission/outreach, but what that will look like will be determined by group members. I can't wait to get rolling!

The Glacier Advances

No, this isn't about global warming. It's about church warming, as the glacial pace of progress moves forward.

A couple of nights ago I began my three-month training to be a small group leader in our church. With a congregation of several thousand, many people don't have a personal connection to the church. Small groups provide that connection: to people, to mission, to God.

What is meaningful about my own participation is that I made it clear the mission focus of my group will be LGBT advocacy. I wasn't sure if I could lead a group, as a member of staff. But everyone involved in this ministry is all for it.

The new leaders met for the first time this week. We gathered in a circle to tell why we were there. I told them that our church was known for its general welcome to the community; everyone nodded. I said I felt called to provide a specific welcome to people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender; I want us to show grace and hospitality to a group that doesn't often get it.

Most in the group smiled. The faces of two men a little older than I froze and lost their smiles. But only two. This is a slow process, but it is progress. When I speak up, I always get someone supporting me in comments later.

Another wonderful event occurred a couple of weeks ago, when our senior pastor invited a former staff member and his husband to speak to our pastoral and program staff (at my request). The two men told their story and the floor was opened to questions. I was silent, since this wasn't my show, but I wanted to be sure one question was asked. I am happy to say another pastor asked it instead: how do we move this church from being just "welcoming" to being a truly safe place for LGBT persons?

The group listened as the men named the small sorts of acts that would show the congregation that we are a loving and affirming church, such as baptizing the child of a gay couple; seeking LGBT individuals in our mission work; studying books by gay authors and on subjects that address the struggles of LGBT persons, etc. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? But unless you've really thought about it, it may not occur to you.

The couple was well received, and I and four program staffers stayed behind to talk some more. This group is really supportive, and they give me the strength I need to continue. It seems I may have the rudder of this huge ship on this particular issue. May God guide my hand.

Love And Light

I spent this past weekend in Fort Wayne with Abe. He had an extended work week and invited me to join him for a couple of nights. After getting everything ready for my absence on Sunday, I left Friday afternoon to join him for dinner. It was a glorious two-hour drive, temps in the high seventies with the roof down in late afternoon.

We ate at Casa’s, his favorite restaurant outside of Indy. This time we managed to meet the owner, who sat down with us and told us that they’re planning to expand from their small chain of restaurants in Fort Wayne to a couple more in Indy. I think they’ll make it, too, in spite of the economy. Their places are packed every night of the week.


The next morning we went to Abe’s favorite breakfast place, the Liberty Diner. It is owned and managed by a Greek couple from New York. They have built the quintessential East Coast diner and plunked it in Fort Wayne. The interior décor has a human-sized Statue of Liberty by the front door. American flags drape various parts of the diner, and large black-and-white photos of Manhattan hang high over one row of booths. It is next to Bambi’s Exotic Lounge and across the street from a truck stop. And it is packed with locals who want a great breakfast any time of day or really good Greek food. The owners—better dressed than most of the patrons—drop by your table to make sure everything is good.

While I highly recommend both restaurants, the top place to go remains DeBrand Chocolatier. They make some of the finest chocolates I’ve ever eaten, and they ship! I asked about summer shipments, and I was told their freight company uses special ice packaging to insure fresh chocolates wherever they ship. If you have a chocolate connoisseur you wish to impress, this is the stuff to send. Warning: Not Safe For Budgets.

Abe and I had a lovely time. It was Date Night times three! He was so sweet and planned all of our ventures. I just went along for a wonderful time. Let’s say we both had a wonderful time.

I had to slip out early Sunday morning to head for Indy again, but not to my own church. I made arrangements with a friend to meet her at St. Andrew Presbyterian Church for worship and a meeting afterward. “Jane” is from Columbus and has been instrumental in helping me in my efforts to have my church become open and affirming. She has pointed me to resources, events and authors more than any other person I know. Jane was bringing her church group to St. Andrew, so I joined them.

St. Andrew* is the first and only Presbyterian church in Indiana to join the More Light Presbyterian network of churches. The mission statement of MLP says “Following the risen Christ, and seeking to make the Church a true community of hospitality, the mission of More Light Presbyterians is to work for the full participation of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people of faith in the life, ministry and witness of the Presbyterian Church (USA).” It is a strong statement to make in this denomination, and some churches who are truly open and affirming still have difficulty adding this label to their names.

Jane and her group of ten or so fellow supporters and I met with the two pastors of St. Andrew after worship. We asked about the process that led them to this important—and to some, risky—step of affirmation.

Although for each church it is different, this small congregation had already been “More Light” in practice for some time. The session—that is, the ruling group of elders—held a three-hour meeting to discuss and vote on the idea. Three hours, and it was done! Of course, it was years in the making.

Something struck me when I was driving home that afternoon: for the straight members of that congregation, declaring the church More Light changed nothing. All would go on as before. For its gay members and those seeking a church and gay children growing up in this church, everything changed. They are affirmed not only in general but in writing and in action. This is powerful stuff and it costs the straight members of the church nothing but understanding. I will be taking this idea to my church group. We are years away from this step, which frankly I considered an impossibility in my congregation. I don’t see it that way anymore.

I hope to partner our church with St. Andrew in LGBT outreach and advocacy. I have some thinking, talking and reading to do about this. We continue to move toward the Light.

*I have yet to find out how a Presbyterian church comes to call itself Saint Anything. Sounds Catholic, doesn't it?

Today On Bilerico: Carol Boltz: Straight To The Point

Some time ago, I wrote an article about two women who were married to men who came out at the top of their careers. Jemma Thomas and Carol Boltz were women of grace, defending their husbands in the face of strong criticism. Through that story, I reconnected with Carol's blog. She lives an hour away, so I sent her an email asking if she would be willing to meet with me and talk.

This article is the result of that meeting.

Forgive And Forget?

On yesterday's Bilerico, Father Tony wrote an insightful editorial about the recent pedophilia scandals rocking the Roman Catholic Church in South America, Ireland, and now Germany—which involves the man who is now Pope Benedict XVI. The entire subject is disturbing and Tony's view as a former Vatican insider is worth reading. I responded with the following lengthy comment:

Forgiveness is very complex. Having managed finally to forgive most of the people who have hurt me, I can attest to its power to release me from a stranglehold of resentment, anger or hurt. To forgive takes away the power of the act. It does not make me immune to future hurt, and because of that I cannot forget, I must not forget. I alone can protect my heart.

Having said that, I look at these men in power, and I see no repentance. I see corruption of power, which is what child abuse is all about. I know that we can forgive whether or not a person is repentant, and I have done so; but it is also where I fail.

I have not been able to forgive the man who molested me when I was a child. My experience was relatively benign compared to many I’ve heard. I cannot find it in my heart to forgive the man who made the sight of duct tape a trigger for someone [a friend] who will never recover from the horrific childhood that man inflicted. I cannot forgive the father of another friend who berated, beat and sexually abused a beautiful little boy who still exists terrified inside a man who finds no worth in himself. There are more stories with which I am intimate. These monsters are the only people on whom I wish revenge.

Obviously this has struck a nerve.

Forgiveness or its lack does not negate consequences. The priests who used their position of trust to gain power over children—whether those children were willing or not—must be held accountable in civil courts. The men who allowed them to continue to abuse must be held accountable in civil courts. The organization that protects itself must be held accountable.

The hierarchy of the Catholic Church believes that it is the church. They are wrong: the people they serve are the church. (And neither one is God; another post.) When the leaders understand and exemplify the concept of servant leadership, the church will have returned to its Christian roots. Physician, heal thyself.

Signs Of Life

It’s been quite the week upon my return from Florida. (Sorry to be silent for so long, but all is well.)

Last Monday the pastoral and program staff of my church met for the annual planning meeting, outlining the themes and events of 2010-11. In addition to the calendar, we talked about ourselves to get to know each other. In small groups of five, we were to name three things that are on our “bucket list.” I named the usual monetary goals, house and car and something else equally forgettable, but my third item depended on more than just me: I said I wanted to see our church’s welcome to the gay community in writing on our publications. Apparently our senior pastor overheard my remark.

Later, in the large group (of about 35), we were asked to finish this sentence: “I want our church to…” Two people spoke up pretty quickly. During a pause the senior pastor turned to me.

“Birdie, you have one.”

I looked at him. Did he mean what I thought he meant?

“I heard you say it earlier.”

So he did know what he was asking.

“I want our church to put in writing its welcome to the gay community.”

He wrote it on the list that would be made into meeting notes. I believe he wants it as much as I do and uses moments like this to remind the rest of the staff.

But wait! There’s more.

That evening was the monthly meeting of support for parents of LGBT children, which is being publicized now, several months after its inception. What’s more, the group dynamics have changed, and it is now for friends and family as well. That means I can be a member now instead of a guest. We have two more members as a result of the calendar listing, and more will come with the name change. The two new members are eager to join with me in an advocacy role and we may be forming a new group as a result. That can’t happen until fall, but meanwhile we might be able to enlarge our small group. I have been given staff permission to lead such a group (which, since I’m a member of staff, was in question). I’m very excited at the prospects.

But wait! There’s more.

A few days ago, a member of our church came to my office and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. She said the senior pastor told her to come see me.

Her nephew, age 19, just came out to his family, who is very conservative and upset. She is concerned for the boy and for his family and asked me what I recommended. We talked for a while as I determined where on the scale of understanding she lay. She was eager to learn more, and she is a beginner in her search. So I gave her three books:

• For the stories so important to changing the heart:

Crisis: 40 Stories Revealing the Personal, Social, and Religious Pain and Trauma of Growing Up Gay in America, edited by Mitchell Gold

• For the beginner concerning sexuality:

Is It a Choice? Answers to the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gay and Lesbian People, by Eric Marcus

• And for questions about the Bible:

Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality: Explode the Myths, Heal the Church, by Jack Rogers (a Presbyterian theologian)

I am excited by this because 1.) A wonderful and loving person wants to help her family come to grips with this, and her nephew will benefit; 2.) I’m seen as a resource by senior staff, something that I have hoped for; and 3.) I’m seeing progress! It has seemed soooooo sloooooow that I was beginning to wonder if we’d come to a standstill. (I know it will take years to do this right.)

My energy has been focused outward as a result of the glacial pace at my church, because I can’t stop just because some aren’t ready. I am so heartened by the events of this week, I can’t express it properly. I am energized once again.

Today On Bilerico: Building An Inclusive Church

"IN THE LIFE" is the PBS monthly series of "documentary stories from the gay experience," producing media for change for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities. January's episode profiles Emily Eastwood, who led the Welcoming Church workshop I attended in 2008. I wrote about my experience then and found this opportunity to share it with Bilerico readers.

Christmas Eve

I’m in my office and the building is quiet, the down time after the children’s service and before the youth candlelight service. With help from volunteers and staff, the costumes have been put away for another year and the detritus of supplies and papers have been sorted and filed.

This year’s attendance by young families was the highest ever: about a thousand filled the sanctuary and choir loft. As usual, behind the scenes was happy chaos as we wrangled a cast of seventy children, most of whom were under the age of six. This event has the highest preparation to presentation ratio of all we do the rest of the year: eight weeks of prep, employing at least thirty adult volunteers, for twenty minutes of worship.

But you should see the faces on the children. The ones in the cast are excited to be a part, whether sheep, shepherd, angel or one of the “big” roles. The children in the pews have interactive baggies stuffed with items to use as instructed through the service, and they are awestruck as other children in fleece, togas, smocks and robes take their places in forming a tableau on the stage. This is the stuff of memories for all the little ones, cast and congregation. And that’s what makes it all worthwhile.

At one point our new pastor had her young son, decked out in fleece and topped with two little white ears, tugging on her sweater as she read scripture. The shepherds and sheep wandered about restlessly as the story unfolded. Anxious parents fruitlessly struggled to herd everyone back to their places. Joseph got tired of standing and decided to kneel for a while. It was glorious childhood in full bloom.


On the eve of the celebration of the birth of Jesus, I am renewed in my hope that these children will grow up in this church knowing that God loves them exactly as they are. It is inevitable as the dawn: God’s love will prevail.

Heaven's Gate

Click to embiggen.

Today on Bilerico: "A Presbyterian Welcome..."

I attended the Covenant Network of Presbyterian Churches' annual convention in sunny warm tropical Cleveland. This article talks about my initial disappointment.

Stranger On A Plane

He was in his 30s I’d guess, fit and tall, wearing jeans and a plain T-shirt. By the time I took the aisle seat next to his window seat, he was already plugged in to his iPod with his eyes closed. We were on our way to Indiana from the Denver airport.

I had attended a church conference in Denver, staying a few extra days to visit with friends. The conference had really struck a chord with me and challenged me to act on what I already knew my purpose to be. I was overwhelmed with the sense of mission about bringing my church into line with the loving God I knew, to welcome the LGBT community with genuine grace.

I had no idea how I would do this. I didn’t know where to start. I tried to read the book in front of me, which reinforced with every paragraph that I had to act on what I knew was right. I was reeling with the thoughts racing in my head about this new feeling. I knew what it was. It was a call. My heart was pounding and my eyes were starting to tear.

I had no one with whom to talk. I looked up from my book after staring blankly at the pages for who knows how long. I glanced at the man next to me, who still seemed fully absorbed in his music, eyes closed. But that’s when I noticed that his leg was pressing against mine. Not just touching; gently pressing, thigh and calf. It had happened so gradually that I didn’t notice until then.

This was not a come-on or a mistake. Perhaps he'd glimpsed my distress. His touch felt like reassurance. He stayed still and quiet but continued to press his leg to mine, and he stayed that way for the duration of the trip until the plane landed. That connection calmed me. It was like someone was holding my hand. This stranger gave me comfort that I could easily have rejected, but I needed it.

When we landed, the man gathered his few things together and sat up. Whenever I looked at him, he was looking elsewhere, and he left without speaking when we deplaned. It was an unusual experience, clearly one I’ve never forgotten.

The stranger on a plane is the person to whom we’ll unburden our souls, the one who takes a small part of our worries with him when he leaves. This man did the same, without a single word or glance being exchanged. I have no idea if he intended what I inferred, but he gave me what I needed at the time. I pray that I can be that stranger on a plane for others whenever I travel.

Expectations And Gratitude 1.1

Because of my generally positive outlook on life, I’ve been accused more than once of being a Pollyanna, and not kindly so. This implies that I am naïve and unaware of the potential for evil that exists in human nature and the world. Those people who are under that misconception could not be more wrong.

I have been a victim of and/or a witness to cruelty, abuse, pain and monstrous evil. I have no illusions whatsoever about the human capacity for evil; ancient and modern history show that human nature has not changed in all the millennia of its existence, only its tools have.

But I cannot let this be the only view I have of humanity because I have also been the recipient and observer of amazing kindness, small to sacrificial. In my encounters with people, I do not overlook their weaknesses and failings; I reach beyond that to the good that dwells inside. Some may believe their own kindness is a façade to the “real” person that lies within, but I believe that knowledge of what goodness looks like usually means the capacity for real goodness exists within. I always look for good; sometimes I find God.

We can be hurt by our expectations, so we must take care not to expect too much or inappropriately. In any human relationship, it is expectations that get us into so much trouble. If we do not at least partially understand a person’s history, capabilities, desires and limitations, we are doomed to disappointment. Even with appropriate hopes, we must be ready to forgive the inevitable lapses of which we are all guilty.

Since every single one of us will fail at some time or another, how do we avoid cynicism and pessimism? By actively cultivating a philosophy of gratitude. If all we see is what we do not have, we are failing ourselves; and we must forgive ourselves our failings every bit as we must forgive others theirs. Understand that I am not promoting low standards by encouraging gratitude. But by knowing what terrible conditions exist at any moment in our world, we can embrace what little or abundant grace has come our way.

By all means we must have full vision of our world: its goodness and evil, its abundance and famine, its successes and failures. We can choose bitterness or we can cultivate a sense of joy. Choose gratitude.

Hallelujah!

It is the end of Holy Week. Holy cow. Palm Sunday called for our department's greatest preparation with the palm parade and donkey, and now our church's second-busiest time of the year has come to a close.

It’s times like this that I’m a little envious of those whom I serve. They are given the moments to reflect, the atmosphere in which faith is examined and culminates in glorious worship. I had a small taste of it today as I awaited the end of the early service. I had to rush in and rope off five pews in front of the pulpit for our Church School volunteers before the crowd reached them. The second and third services are always packed. On Easter, our busiest Sunday of the year, we extend our gratitude to those volunteers with premium seating in the sanctuary and Starbucks and Krispy Kremes in the teachers’ workroom. Nothing but the best for our best.

To appreciate the rest of this post fully, click on "Handel's Messiah" at the top of the playlist in the right-hand column.

As I waited for the service to end, I heard the beginning strains of the traditional close to Easter service, Handel’s “Messiah.” The choir was supported by brass and percussion and our magnificent pipe organ. I opened the door just a crack to hear it better. Ohhh. The congregation had its back to me as they watched the choir sing from the loft in the rear of the sanctuary, so I stepped in to join them in their reverie. Oh my.

The choir stands under a huge rose window. Imagine hearing “Messiah” ring out, filling the space, while looking at this window in spiritual communion.


As we lifted our hearts in song and praise for God’s astonishing grace and love, my eyes grew misty, and I was pulled finally into a moment of unhurried and heartfelt community worship. I don’t pretend for a minute to understand all the mystery of God. I have so many questions and moments of weakness. But this instant of connection brought home again the absolute certainty I have in God’s love for all of us, each of us, unchanged and exactly as He made us to be. I am unsure of so many things, but this I know.

May you know that purest of love as I do on this glorious day.

All God's Children, Week Three

Week One: "Our Families"
Wekk Two: "Gay and Christian"

The Science of Orientation and Gender

Our guest speaker was a doctor of pediatrics from Riley Children’s Hospital, and she gave a presentation on adolescent development, especially as it dealt with same-sex attraction. (At our request, she did not address transgender issues. We don’t think the congregation is ready for that discussion at this early stage in our growth. But I included an article on the subject on the resource table.)

As she covered the facts of development, a number of studies were quoted. I was glad to hear her name the source, longevity and brief methodology for every study quoted. She even discussed the weaknesses of two of the studies and addressed the questionable methodology of studies being quoted for opposing conclusions.

An interesting thing happened during the question period at the end: three people asked three different ways, “Is it a choice?” The speaker answered thoughtfully and at length to say “no” three different ways. One of those questioners asked when it’s a good time to intervene and change a child’s orientation. After the long answer that said it isn’t possible, the petitioner asked, “So, we need to go younger?” That person has a long way to go. But I want to stress that instead of throwing our arms in the air and dismissing him as a lost cause, it is this person and those like him we must embrace. If we are asking them to welcome us—even though they disagree—we must model the behavior we are asking of them—even though we disagree. Grace is not conditional.

I live for the day when the silence in our church is one of grace, that what is unspoken is understood to be acceptance, when orientation and gender identity don’t need to be subjects of lengthy discussion because it simply is not an issue.

There was no mention of faith issues except by the class leader as he closed; he hoped that what we are learning here is a step toward a more inclusive church, making this a place of safety for our youth. As in weeks past, class had to be halted well after the closing time, and people rushed to resume the discussion with our speaker. Attendance continues to grow; today we had 81 attendees. (Remember, standard attendance for this class has been 20-25 up until now.)

In a related note, news came today of yesterday’s vote in our presbytery on a change in the denomination’s constitution. The Presbyterian Church USA is calling for a vote to return ordination requirements to the original language of 400 years prior to the change in 1967; that is, from “fidelity within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman, or chastity in singleness” to “fidelity within the standards of the church.” This change returns the discernment process to the church and its presbytery (collection of local churches) which approve ordination of individuals. It allows churches to decide for themselves whether or not to ordain openly gay persons.

Historically our presbytery has voted against the change. Yesterday, by a margin of TWO votes, it passed (108-106). The national vote is currently 39 yes, 66 no. It requires a majority of 87 to pass. While this local decision is a reason to rejoice, it also is part of the reason that one of our presbytery churches chose to leave the denomination at the same meeting, just prior to the vote.

This turmoil gives us cause to reflect and determine our course of action. We must move carefully, educating people in a loving way, allowing for reasonable disagreement, always reflecting the behavior we hope to see in others. Be the change you wish to see.

Next Sunday: "What the Bible Says about Sexuality"

Image courtesy of Christ First Church of Gainesville, GA.

Framing Your Words

 Concolor, Java's spousal unit aka Superman, asked a good question in his comment on "After The Rallies, Then What?" He wanted to know how a straight ally might also promote gay rights. Here's a distillation of a part of the presentation I made to my pastors, talking about strategy.

A "frame" is a way of looking at an issue. There are several frames from which to choose when talking about gay rights, and all of them are viable for different audiences: politics (civil rights), religion (what the Bible says), and families (the stories of the GLBT community). In reaching the straight, uninformed population, it is the frame of "families" that will be most effective. Straight people need to hear stories and put faces to the reasons behind why we need to fully embrace the gay community, in civil rights and in church.

Before I go further, let's address terminology. There are words that are hot buttons that need to be avoided. As my husband and I discuss the issues, we have reached a terminology truce: I may not say "homophobia" and he may not say "agenda." As funny as that sounds, it does make us think of new ways to express ideas which carry a great deal of negative weight and trigger an emotional reaction. We all must do our best to avoid these hot buttons.

There are other words that the Religious Right has co-opted and now carry a negative connotation to the GLBT community. Because we have no desire to be associated with their message, we must not use their terms.  The word "homosexual" has in the past year or so taken on the status of a pejorative, almost equivalent to the word "fag." In any case, it is a clinical term at best. We must avoid using it in talking with our friends. Instead, use the words "gay," "lesbian," "bisexual," and "transgender" as adjectives only and not as nouns. Talk about PEOPLE who are gay, people who are lesbian, people who are bi, and people who are transgender. After all, they are people first, and their orientation/gender identity is secondary to their personhood.

A note about the word "transgender." You will see it everywhere with -ed added to it. That is an incorrect usage of the word. It is an adjective, not a verb or a noun; it is not something you do to someone and it is not a thing. You may find that using it properly as an adjective will form a different picture in your mind about these individuals. If you have a friend who has confused "transgender" with "transsexual," consider this: "sex" is male or female; "gender" is quality of femaleness or maleness (often applied to nouns in other languages). "Sex" is biological; "gender" is psychological.

In discussing whole populations, you can talk about the GLBT community or gay community. I've seen the acronym LGBT used equally, with a "ladies first" appeal. It's easier to say GLBT aloud, for what it's worth. The phrase "gay community" is interchangeable with GLBT in most cases, and it is more easily accepted since it has fewer political connotations and is self-defined.

Equally loaded terms are "lifestyle" and "family values." If you find yourself leaning toward using those expressions, use descriptions instead. Understand that "lifestyle" implies choice. It is an appropriate term for behaviors but not for inborn qualities. Don't even approach anything that could be mistaken for "family values." The phrase is so corrupt that it brings forth a rush of emotion from just about anyone on either side of the issue.

The sentiment "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is an example of false piety that elevates the one who believes it above her intended target of so-called love. It is an example of barely-concealed condescension and must be avoided, much like "tolerance." Do not mistake tolerance for acceptance. If you tolerate me, you find something about me that is unpleasant but bearable. I am not an ill-fitting shoe to be tolerated for the sake of fashion. I am not a boisterous child to be tolerated because I don't know any better. I am a fully-human being. Lovingly tolerate my bad habits, my mistakes, and my annoying idiosyncrasies; but my sexuality and gender identity are who I am—who God made me to be—to be accepted and respected as a child of God, just as I accept and respect you.

When I was struggling with Biblical interpretations, it was my desire to understand difficult passages in a way that is consistent with my understanding of the nature of God. Being forgiven and loved in all of my complex brokenness, how could God select me and not someone else? My brother who was gay is loved every bit as much as I am. That informs my interpretation as much as the context in which the passages were written, and they are in agreement. Knowing my brother and his friends, however briefly, helped inform my understanding of the Word.

Now that we have the language and the frame, how do we put forth these ideas? I use the stories of people I've met and those I've read on the web from personal blogs. When someone asks about gay marriage, I tell them the story of Jake in Chicago; there is hardly a more poignant cry for why we need marriage equality. (Please note that I said "we" and not "they." It is in everyone's interest for this couple and those like them to be married.) When the topic of gay adoption arises—perhaps with a push from me—I tell the story of Ron and Kevin in NC, who adopted four siblings no one else would adopt together as a family. Again, it is in everyone's best interests for these men and others like them to be able to adopt. When I want someone to understand why our churches must open their doors and arms, I tell them of the incredible young woman who was cruelly rejected by her mother and found a loving home in her church.

Learn the stories and tell them. Talk about people who are GLBT as family. They are our brothers and sisters, our sons and daughters, our fathers and mothers. They ARE family, yours and mine, and it's time we welcomed them home.

In The Beginning

Woohoo! I'm on fire with the outcome of our meeting this morning. I met with our senior pastor and four associate pastors to tell them what I've discovered over the past year of seminars and conferences. They were attentive and eager to understand. I learned too what our senior pastor has planned.

"Pastor" said he has planned from the beginning of his ministry here to make our church welcoming. When he started here almost five years ago, he said that all are welcome; and he has developed enough history and relationships now to take the first steps of intentionally addressing the GLBT community. Last month he took our governing body, the Session, through the process of discernment to approve the proposed changes in our denomination's constitution, to allow churches to ordain persons who are openly gay. (The fact that we are leaders in our synod may help swing the decision in what is a normally conservative area.)

I learned that in February he will specifically address that issue from the pulpit and invite discussion that evening in a special gathering. I will not be here for that—dang it—but I have been asked to be one of the teachers in a series of classes that month on GLBT issues.

We have just started, by word of mouth, a support group for parents of GLBT kids. It is too soon in the process to advertise in writing, but that will come after the sermon and class series. The pastors are now charged (after our meeting) with finding people whose testimony will show the "personhood" of the community we are intent on welcoming.

I brought about half of my library of resources for them to examine, and Pastor asked me to recommend five or six titles for our church library (which is large and well-used). Those titles are published in a monthly flyer, so subtle clues are being placed here and there as we move forward.

Pastor has taken my action plan and timeline seriously. All of those at the meeting will be reading the book I've asked them to read. All of them have access to my library and see me as a resource to which they can turn.

I'm high as a kite right now. I can't stop smiling. And I remember my brother David and wonder if he can see what is happening. This is for you, David, and for your family of choice, and because it is the right thing to do. I love you.

Gay And Christian Online Resources

Below is the list I will be giving my pastors at next week's meeting. Clearly this is not exhaustive and it is intended for where we are right now: a church seeking to start the conversation that leads us to becoming open and affirming to the LGBT community.

PRESBYTERIAN LINKS

Covenant Network of Presbyterian Churches

More Light Presbyterians

The Blue Book: What We Wish We Had Known

Dr. Jack Rogers

Religious Tolerance / The Presbyterian Church and Homosexuality

ECUMENICAL LINKS

The Institute For Welcoming Resources

Lutherans Concerned

United Church of Christ Coalition for LGBT Concerns

Reconciling Ministries Network of the United Methodist Church

IntegrityUSA of the Episcopal Church

DignityUSA of the Catholic Church

New Ways Ministry: Catholic advocacy

Brethren Mennonite Council

Gay Mennonite League

Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

The Association of Welcoming and Affirming Baptists

Rainbow Baptists

Fellowship of Reconciling Pentecostals International

Friends for LGBTQ Concerns: Quaker

Metropolitan Community Churches

Emergence-International: Christian Scientists

Jewish Mosaic

Welcoming Churches

The Gay Christian Network

Christian Gays: a place to connect

Whosoever: an online magazine for GLBT Christians

Congregational Resources

The Fellowship: multi-denominational

ACTIVISM and SUPPORT, Christian and otherwise

Human Rights Campaign: Religion and Faith

The Interfaith Coalition on Nondiscrimination: Indiana

Box Turtle Bulletin

10 Couples

Heartstrong: for GLBT from religious-based ed. institutions

Straight, Not Narrow

Straight For Equality

PFLAG

Family Equality Council

Soulforce

Faith In America

End The Harm: blog for Faith In America

GLBT National Help Center

Youth Resource: Exploring issues of concern for GLBTQ youth

TransFaith Online

LGBT Religious Archives Network

Teach Ministries: to educate against the consequences of homophobia

Updated 3/09/10

A Place For Everyone

I'm preparing materials this week for a very important meeting next week. I asked my senior pastor for a chance to sit down and report on the conferences I've attended this year. He responded that he has asked four associate pastors to be there as well. This has turned from a debriefing into a presentation, and it's critical that I have everything ready.

I'm sorting out the books, web links, and sources into those for GLBT persons (especially youth), inquirers, advocates, and pastoral/program staff. I have depended on you, my online friends, for some of those resources. Because it was a gay man who introduced me to the online gay community, virtually all of my GLBT contacts are men. I've perused some lesbian blogs, but I know of only one here with whom I might discuss growing up gay in a Christian church. She has been a member of our church since birth. I met with her and her mom yesterday.

"Dale" is the daughter of very good friends. She came out to them several years ago, but only recently did they reveal this to anyone. They are struggling to reconcile this new information with the assumptions they had lived with for over twenty years. It is clear that they love their daughter very much, and for that I am grateful.

Dale is an assistant professor of women's studies, and we talked at length about the general topic of growing up gay. I asked what she wanted from our church when she was attending here. Dale said what was missing was a "safe" person that she knew she could come out to. She wants it in print, on our website, and on the door of a staff member that here is someone who is trained to address the myriad difficulties of growing up GLBT.

Dale is the final link in my chain of stories for this presentation. Hers is the face I need to present to our pastors, of one who needed our welcome and didn't get it. She is not bitter (bless her) and wants to know, when the time comes someday for her to commit to a life partner, that our church will preside over and bless her commitment ceremony. That has become another goal for me, to see that she gets her wish.

I feel like I'm a servant in a fine home and that plans for a very important banquet are being prepared for the not-so-distant future. It is up to me to see that there is a place of honor for everyone at this banquet. The meeting is next Monday. If you are so inclined, your prayers would be appreciated.