Number 32,739

That's the current status of my list of Stupid Things I Have Done. I haven't really tried to count them until today. I figure after tonight's stunt, I needed some perspective. So tonight's STIHD is just .00003125% of all the idiot things I have done*. That's better.

What did I do? I nearly set the kitchen on fire.

We've decided that the bad ingredients in coconut oil are better than the bad ingredients in microwave popcorn, so we've gone back to the good old days of making our own stovetop popcorn. (Those of you old enough to remember will understand; it tastes like movie popcorn used to taste until the food police caused coconut oil to be taken off most shelves.)

I melted the oil in the pan and set it on the heat to pop the test kernels. Once those pop, you put in the rest, shake, and you get the best popcorn in the world. Needs no butter.

But tonight I was distracted and left the oil to heat. After too many minutes, I rushed into the kitchen to see smoke just starting to lift from under the lid. I took off the lid—second mistake—and turned to put the pan in the sink. WHOOMP! The pan filled with flames. I managed to still put the pan safely into the sink where the flames quickly extinguished themselves—I knew not to use water—but the house very shortly filled with smoke and fumes. We could hardly breathe. Abe and I had to leave the house several times as we struggled to open windows and mount fans. My throat still hurts. And no smoke was visible at all after less than a minute.

Finally, after twenty minutes or so, we could sit down again. Abe's throat hurt, but he rallied.

"So, are you not going to make more popcorn?"

I did. It was great.

*Formula: One mistake each day lived minus four years to learn right from wrong, plus one mistake each day each child has been alive. That's lowballing it.