Overheard: Preschool

It's pick-up time at the summer preschool, which meets on the same floor as my office.

Two teachers: "So I said to him, 'Give Ben back his tiara.'"

Two dads: "She wanted to name him Luke—that's his middle name now—but I told her I just can't say, 'Luke, I am your father.' Just can't do that."

Overheard: Survivor

It was warm and sunny the other day, and I was driving my convertible with the roof down. (Sophie was enjoying the ride harnessed in the back seat.) I had on a simple scarf as I waited with other cars at a red light. Somewhere to my right, I heard someone speak out.

"Excuse me!"

I looked around and saw a man about my age at the wheel of a huge six-wheel pickup truck, looking at me.

"Are you a survivor?"

It took me a second. "I'm still fighting!"

"You'll make it. I'm a survivor." He smiled and gave me a thumbs up.

"Thank you!" I smiled. The light changed and we moved onward on our separate ways.

Overheard: Staff Meeting

We had a big staff meeting today. About thirty people were listening to our new pastoral residents talk about what they anticipated as they begin their two year residency program. A loud cell phone pierced the quiet conversation. Our senior pastor was not amused. As the offending party wrestled with the ringer and looked at the screen, pastor drawled dryly in his southern twang.

"That had better be Jesus."

Overheard: Heaven Scent

Abe and I split a breakfast at Perkin's and hugged in the parking lot to go our separate ways. Abe held me a little longer than usual.

"You smell good."

I don't wear cologne. "I smell like bacon!"

"Oh."

They really need to bottle that stuff.

Overheard: Knowledge

Abe was watching a PBS science show.

"Interesting. I don't know whether to be grateful for new information or disappointed that I don't know everything."

Overheard: Chopping Onions

I’m celebrating Thanksgiving with family in St. Louis. My brother was chopping onions for the stuffing and his seven year old son wanted to help.

“Can I chop onions too?”

“Sure. Here’s how you hold the knife. Hold the onion like this.”

My nephew’s eyes began to tear. He squinted and shook his head.

“What’s going on? Why do my eyes hurt?”

My brother saw this as a learning moment.

“That’s what happens whenever you hold a knife.”

“It does?”

“Know what makes it go away? Reading.”


Update: Okay, okay, you guys. He didn't stop there. It was funnier to leave off the immediate correction and truthful explanation my brother offered. My nephew is quite used to his dad's antics and was already onto him.

Overheard: Classic Rock

Ben and I were riding in the car, listening to one of our favorite classic rock stations. The Eagles came on.

Me: "Can't they play ANYTHING else? It's always the same stuff."

Ben: "They don't make new classic rock, Mom."

Me: "Oh. Yeah."

Overheard: Words I Didn't Think I'd Ever Say

I was preparing demo supplies for this morning's talk on HIV 101.

"I have too many penises. What do I do with these?"

Overheard: The Sound Of One Boy Sinking

Ben is on the phone with his girlfriend of two years. He speaks calmly.

Ben: “You’re telling me about your shopping day. How do you expect me to react?”

The boy has a lot to learn.

Overheard: Overnight

I just picked up Ben from an overnight lock-in at his high school.


Me: "Did you get any sleep at all?"

Ben: "No."

Me: "What did you do all night?"

Ben: "Avoided getting penises drawn on my face."

Me (after I recovered from laughter): "Did anyone sleep?"

Ben: "One guy did. He covered his face, so they drew it on his hand."


Do girls ever do stuff like this? Not in my experience.

Overheard: Invitation

Abe invited Ben to bring his girlfriend to a football game.

Ben: "Dad, she would not want to go."

Abe: "How do you know? Maybe she finds me so awesome she’d want to come."

Ben: "Or awkward."

Abe: "One of those A words."

Overheard: Shopping

I'm at the store, and I decide to do something foolish: buy something for my son when he's not with me. I call him.

Me: "I'm at the store, and I found a winter jacket you might li-"

Ben: "Mom Mom Mom. I have a new jacket."

Me: "It's a sweatshirt."

Ben: "Oh. Yeah."

Me: "Anyway, this one is very dark gray with medium gray accents. Very dreary. It's perfect for you."

Ben: "You can return it, right?"

Me: *Sigh* "Yes."

Ben: "Okay. I guess."


Posted on my BlackBerry from the parking lot.

Update: He kept the jacket.

Overheard: Parenting

Abe hands Ben a drink pouch.


Abe: “Be careful you don’t spill—

Ben: “Dad. You’re parenting. Again.”

Abe: “Oh. Sorry. It won’t happen again.”


Minutes go by.


Ben: “Dad, could I have a sandwich?”

Abe: “So now I CAN be a parent.”

Ben: “Sure, when I get positive results.”


This is better than TV.

Overheard: Traffic

Ben and I were in traffic, and a Suburban Escalade Mountaineer Expedition passed us.

Ben: “What do you think when you see one of those?”

Me: “I think the owner has a very small penis.”

Ben: “Yep.”

Walk This Way

Apparently I walk too fast.

I went to a movie recently with my neighbor Dee. ("Time Traveler's Wife:" total chick flick, not my normal fare. But I got to see Eric Bana naked.) Dee came running up beside me as we walked from the parking lot to the theatre.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I going too fast again?

Dee: No problem! I can just jog next to you.

This is an email from another friend to the gang about our walking date:

Looks like it'll be another gorgeous day to walk. Last week it was just Birdie and myself, and I managed to keep up with her by wearing my roller blades!

Okay, fine. I walk fast. So sue me. I don't know why, but it just about kills me to stroll. It takes a concentrated effort to slow down. On the plus side, I've got a strong heart and strong legs. Won't you join me up here at the front?

Overheard: Teaching Moment

Abe was channel surfing earlier today and stopped on a sports channel. He realized in an instant he had a teaching moment at hand and bid me to look at the TV. A hurdles race was about to begin at a track meet.

“See those women, how they’re setting up for the start? That’s how I want you to be, waiting for when you hear my call."

“I see. Coiled and ready to spring into action when you want me.”

“Exactly.”

The starting pistol rang out. “Birdie!” He demonstrated his call and pointed to the leader of the race.

“The one in front, that’s you.”

“Nothing gets in my way to reach you when you call me.”

“That’s right. That's how to be a good wife. Well, that’s all for now.”

I love my husband. He’s always thinking of me.

Overheard: Shells And Harmony

Abe and I were enjoying happy hour at a local restaurant. Abe had a theory.

Abe: “I can’t hear harmony in songs at all.”

Me: “That’s practically all I hear.”

Abe: “I know. It’s inborn. Women are born to put shells in the bathroom and sing harmony.”

I know he does this to bait me. We just laughed. But he kinda has a point. What do you think? What traits are inborn in the sexes?

Discuss.

Overheard: The Quick Stop Store

I didn't have enough cash for my small purchase, so I handed the kid at the counter my credit card. I spoke as I signed the slip.

Me: "You know, a lot of places don't make you sign for under twenty-five."

Kid: "Uh, company policy makes us ask for a signature even if you're over a hundred."

Me: (Blink, blink. Oh.) "I meant dollars, not years."

This may be why these places are held up.


P.S. If this works, it will be my first BlackBerry post.

Overheard: Married Life 2

As lunch ended at a restaurant, I put on my sunglasses to leave.

Me: “International Woman of Mystery.”

Abe: “You sure ARE.”

That's as it should be.

Overheard: Married Life

Abe: “You’re just being difficult.”

Me: “I’m not difficult. I’m…complex.”

Abe: “Like a carbohydrate.”

Me: “Yes! Eventually, I turn into sugar.”